A Play I wrote…

Okay, this is a play I wrote when I was 12. I think it proves that I was absolutely witty and very clever.

If you find it a bit offensive I’m very sorry. I was 12. And it’s too good of a play not to share. And, yes, this is copied from exactly what I wrote when I was 12.


Ax murderer: an ax murderer

Sarah Palin: Sarah Palin

Sidewalk: a sidewalk

Ball of Tape: a ball of tape

Nosy Neighbor: named Meowface, and is from the south

Russia: Russia

Rushed Driver: A rusher driver

Scene I

Sidewalk: Hey, you, ax murderer, you stepped on me!

Ax murderer: Then I will chop you in half with this ax.


Sarah Palin: Oh, Russia, come out come out wherever you are!

Russia: Oh, boy…

Ball of Tape: I’m gonna stick to your shoe, hee hee hee!

Nosy Neighbor: What y’all doin’ on my prop’ty? G’tof ya pig faces!

Scene II

Ax murderer: Why, Sarah Palin, ma’am, how would you like to go for a alcoholic beverage t’night?

Sarah Palin: Why, certainly good sir. But, would you graciously allow me to bring me esteemed colleague, Russia, along?

Ax murderer: [rolls eyes] Why, certainly, good lady. What is your preference to types of champagne? Nothing above 20 dollars, please.

Sarah Palin: Why, I am partial to grape flavored Bug Juice, but cherry would suit me fine.

Ax murderer: why, of course, good lady, but may I suggest some pinot grigio, but, if you insist…

Sarah Palin: Why, that would be just lovely, but I’m not allowed to have juice with too much sugar. Could you help me read the label on it?

Ax murderer: Of course, ma’am, but, um, I’m talking about wine.

Sarah Palin: What, I’m not old enough for wine!!!

Ax murderer: Um, yeah you are.

Sarah Palin: Are you trying to get me dunked?

Ax murderer: Um, good lady, the term in question is drunk, not dunk-

Sarah Palin: 911, 911, this guy is tryin’ to dunk me!!!

Police: [called to the scene be Meowface] Whoa, whoa, whoa, sir, what are you trying to do to this poor woman?

Sarah Palin: This man is tryin’ to DUNK me!

Police: Are you sure about that, ma’am? There’s not a pool in sight.

Russia: Are you gonna find me yet? I’ve been hiding for two hours!

Sarah Palin: Oh, oops. But this guy is gonna buy me some bug juice!

Police: She called 911 over bug juice?

Meowface: No, I called 911 you blitherin’ idiot!

Police: Well, ma’am, I’m afraid I’m gonna have to take you back to the police station for wasting police time. I’m sorry, ma’am, but that’s the way it goes.

Scene III

Ax murderer: I can’t believe that freaken’ police officer’s taken’ us to the police station! I mean, what did WE do?

Sarah Palin: I know, and that bug juice sounded SO good! And I was playin’ hide-and-seek with Russia!

Ax murderer: Um, ma’am, I have a question.

Sarah Palin: Yes?

Ax murderer: Will you marry me? [Throws himself on Palin, sobbing]

Palin: Really, do you mean it?

Ax murderer: Y-y-y-yes!!

Palin: Of course!!! [takes things from her purse and throws them everywhere out of pure enjoyment] Hurrah!

They arrive at police station

Police: Ok everyone, shows over [to people gathered around]. Come on inside.

Meowface: This is an outrage! An’ now you two are talkin’ about applyin’ for a MARRIAGE LICENCE!

Palin: Um, no. We were calling you a pie face.

[Ax murderer laughs and hugs Palin]

Palin: So, honey, what is your name?

[Police bangs head on wall, Meowface hits him on the head with a flip flop.]

Moewface: [shouting through megaphoneShape up!

Russia: Do I have to leave so you can’t see me, or will you come and find me now?

[Silence follows]

Police: Get this crowd out, they’re CREEPY!!

[police runs and shoves Palin, ax murderer, and Meowface out the door]

Palin: [screaming through window at police] Wait, can’t we do the hokey pokey?

Scene IV

Ax murderer: Let’s all celebrate with the hokey pokey!

Palin: Oh, yes, let’s!

Meowface: Um, I’ve gotta go, I’ve, um, got a, um, dentist appoi-

Palin: [grabbing meowface and pulling her into the circle] YA PUT YOUR RIGHT FOOT IN, YA TAKE YOUR RIGHT FOOT OUT! [screaming at the top of her voice and standing in the middle of the street]

Rushed driver: Woman, what the hell do you think you’re doin’?

Palin: We’re doin’ the hokey pokey, wanna join?

Rusher driver:  [sarcastically] So, how’s Russia doing lately?

Palin: Well, we’ve been playin’ hide and seek.

Rushed driver: I’m out of here, woman!

HONK [drives away] 

Meowface: I’m out of this crazy place!! I wannz get back to the nice peaceful neighborhood! [starts to walk out]

Ball of Tape: Hee, hee, hee, we taped her to the the sidewalk!

Meowface: Why can’t I lift up my shoe?!

Tape: Hee, hee, hee! Hee, hee, hee!

[Meowface takes off her shoe and runs, leaving Palin and the ax murderer dancing away]


Was I not absolutely brilliant?

I think I deserve a reward for this play.




2 thoughts on “A Play I wrote…

  1. I have a reward for your for this play. It’s my copy of “Waiting for Godot”. According to Brad Gooch in his biography of Frank O’Hara (“City Poet”), when O’Hara first saw “Waiting for Godot” he said that when he got home “all my poetry had turned to shit”.

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