Okay, this is a play I wrote when I was 12. I think it proves that I was absolutely witty and very clever.
If you find it a bit offensive I’m very sorry. I was 12. And it’s too good of a play not to share. And, yes, this is copied from exactly what I wrote when I was 12.
Ax murderer: an ax murderer
Sarah Palin: Sarah Palin
Sidewalk: a sidewalk
Ball of Tape: a ball of tape
Nosy Neighbor: named Meowface, and is from the south
Rushed Driver: A rusher driver
Sidewalk: Hey, you, ax murderer, you stepped on me!
Ax murderer: Then I will chop you in half with this ax.
Sarah Palin: Oh, Russia, come out come out wherever you are!
Russia: Oh, boy…
Ball of Tape: I’m gonna stick to your shoe, hee hee hee!
Nosy Neighbor: What y’all doin’ on my prop’ty? G’tof ya pig faces!
Ax murderer: Why, Sarah Palin, ma’am, how would you like to go for a alcoholic beverage t’night?
Sarah Palin: Why, certainly good sir. But, would you graciously allow me to bring me esteemed colleague, Russia, along?
Ax murderer: [rolls eyes] Why, certainly, good lady. What is your preference to types of champagne? Nothing above 20 dollars, please.
Sarah Palin: Why, I am partial to grape flavored Bug Juice, but cherry would suit me fine.
Ax murderer: why, of course, good lady, but may I suggest some pinot grigio, but, if you insist…
Sarah Palin: Why, that would be just lovely, but I’m not allowed to have juice with too much sugar. Could you help me read the label on it?
Ax murderer: Of course, ma’am, but, um, I’m talking about wine.
Sarah Palin: What, I’m not old enough for wine!!!
Ax murderer: Um, yeah you are.
Sarah Palin: Are you trying to get me dunked?
Ax murderer: Um, good lady, the term in question is drunk, not dunk-
Sarah Palin: 911, 911, this guy is tryin’ to dunk me!!!
Police: [called to the scene be Meowface] Whoa, whoa, whoa, sir, what are you trying to do to this poor woman?
Sarah Palin: This man is tryin’ to DUNK me!
Police: Are you sure about that, ma’am? There’s not a pool in sight.
Russia: Are you gonna find me yet? I’ve been hiding for two hours!
Sarah Palin: Oh, oops. But this guy is gonna buy me some bug juice!
Police: She called 911 over bug juice?
Meowface: No, I called 911 you blitherin’ idiot!
Police: Well, ma’am, I’m afraid I’m gonna have to take you back to the police station for wasting police time. I’m sorry, ma’am, but that’s the way it goes.
Ax murderer: I can’t believe that freaken’ police officer’s taken’ us to the police station! I mean, what did WE do?
Sarah Palin: I know, and that bug juice sounded SO good! And I was playin’ hide-and-seek with Russia!
Ax murderer: Um, ma’am, I have a question.
Sarah Palin: Yes?
Ax murderer: Will you marry me? [Throws himself on Palin, sobbing]
Palin: Really, do you mean it?
Ax murderer: Y-y-y-yes!!
Palin: Of course!!! [takes things from her purse and throws them everywhere out of pure enjoyment] Hurrah!
They arrive at police station
Police: Ok everyone, shows over [to people gathered around]. Come on inside.
Meowface: This is an outrage! An’ now you two are talkin’ about applyin’ for a MARRIAGE LICENCE!
Palin: Um, no. We were calling you a pie face.
[Ax murderer laughs and hugs Palin]
Palin: So, honey, what is your name?
[Police bangs head on wall, Meowface hits him on the head with a flip flop.]
Moewface: [shouting through megaphone] Shape up!
Russia: Do I have to leave so you can’t see me, or will you come and find me now?
Police: Get this crowd out, they’re CREEPY!!
[police runs and shoves Palin, ax murderer, and Meowface out the door]
Palin: [screaming through window at police] Wait, can’t we do the hokey pokey?
Ax murderer: Let’s all celebrate with the hokey pokey!
Palin: Oh, yes, let’s!
Meowface: Um, I’ve gotta go, I’ve, um, got a, um, dentist appoi-
Palin: [grabbing meowface and pulling her into the circle] YA PUT YOUR RIGHT FOOT IN, YA TAKE YOUR RIGHT FOOT OUT! [screaming at the top of her voice and standing in the middle of the street]
Rushed driver: Woman, what the hell do you think you’re doin’?
Palin: We’re doin’ the hokey pokey, wanna join?
Rusher driver: [sarcastically] So, how’s Russia doing lately?
Palin: Well, we’ve been playin’ hide and seek.
Rushed driver: I’m out of here, woman!
HONK [drives away]
Meowface: I’m out of this crazy place!! I wannz get back to the nice peaceful neighborhood! [starts to walk out]
Ball of Tape: Hee, hee, hee, we taped her to the the sidewalk!
Meowface: Why can’t I lift up my shoe?!
Tape: Hee, hee, hee! Hee, hee, hee!
[Meowface takes off her shoe and runs, leaving Palin and the ax murderer dancing away]
Was I not absolutely brilliant?
I think I deserve a reward for this play.